2/23/97

I'm sorry
that I can never feel
satisfied with
anything I do

But everything you do
amazes me.

Your life is still a puzzle
but mine is an even greater
enigma
but still I am never satisfied

with my emotions
my thoughts
my life
and my mind

1/24/97

Did you know
that everyday
you are what's keeping
me alive?

For in this chaotic world
you are the eye of the hurricane.

The angst and fear
that I keep inside
is flushed away
with the thought of you.

The demons quiet
the sea is calm
and all that's left
is content.

1/22/97

Angst
hate
the putrid smell of fear

Shame
sadness
the lofty cries of discontent

in a corner i sit
to watch the world go by
to watch my life run out
to sit and ignore those

those people who care
those people who love
those people don't matter

my life is done
I am dead
and just waiting

1/21/97

Your love
is the only thing
keeping me here
If I can't have you
I might as well die

I can't eat
I can't sleep
All I do is feel pain

Yet when I am with you
for a short while
I can push away my sorrow
I never want you
to see me this way

I'm sorry
for all the pain I'll cause
but if I can't have you
I'll die

How I miss you Ben Brown

I'm sitting on the patio
Smokin' my smoke
And I'm sittin' on the patio
Drinkin' my coke
As I open my eyes just to see
the naked skies
All that's there
is another of your lies
And I'm sittin' on the patio
Tokin' my toke
And I'm sittin' on the patio
Jokin' my joke
As I open my mind just to see
your fear inside
all that's there
is a small, weak child
And I'm sittin' on the patio
Yeah, I'm just sittin' on the patio

1/10/97

A farewell never spoken

I never want to know that you're leaving
As I look into your eyes ,
You understand

So silently you leave
your mark upon my forehead
as a signal to say
goodbye...

1/8/97

Strings

I have never known what it's like
to hear those words knowing
there were no strings attached

But you
you are real
I don't have to put on my masquerade

You love me for who I am
not who I want to be
who I could be
or who I pretend to be

So genuine
so real
Yet I know
that I can never truly be yours

Society has placed
a hold on our bliss
the limitations it has set
keep us apart

I'll wait for you
because I believe in you
and your unadulterated love.

1/5/97

Confusion

Confusion
is what I feel
and I truly your love
or just a mere distraction?

Am I just
to keep your mind occupied
until you can
be with her again?

I wish you would tell
and show me you love me
so I'm not confused.

12/23/96

12/18/96

My wildest and most wonderful dreams
have finally come true
with me you and the fab 4

It was just like
I had foreseen
and hoped

Underneath a blanket of Harleys
you held my hand tight
and whispered in my ear
"is this alright?"

A gentle reminder
of how much you care was known
as your lips met mine

It was just you
me
and the fab 4

12/8/96

I just can't wait till tomorrow
when I see you again

The perfect setting
with no one home
just you and me

What awaits us
can never be known
but I can dream

What will happen
with me
you
and John Travolta?

12/5/96

Today I thought
I wanted to die
then I thought of you

I thought about your laugh
I thought about your smile
I thought about your touch

You mean so much to me
I can't live a day
without hearing your voice

12/4/96

To have missed so much
I can't understand
how I've lived

To be held in your arms again
feels like heaven
How did I survive?

This one day
of dancing and conversation
will last me until the next

You'll never understand
just how much you mean to me

Untitled 4

All this love that you're showing
it's so new to me
I don't know how to take it

You've shown me what love is really about.

A smile, a hug
and a friendly hello
are all I need to tide me over

I wish I could see you
more often than I do
but since I love you
I can wait.

12/2/96

Untitled 3

Why can't I have it
the best of both worlds?
You get to pick and choose.

Choose one and leave the other
in the gutter where you found her
is that your philosophy?

Sometimes I hope
that I'll be the one you choose
but she's always it

You just use and abuse me
never giving a second thought
until you remember

When you wake up
she's the one you run to
not the one who held you last night

I never get the sympathy
the love I deserve
She gets your full attention

She gets the best of both worlds
Why can't I?
She never has to beg.

10/17/96

Untitled 2

You've done it again
I knew that you would
For your only goal in life
is to cause me grief

Yet still I come back
And still I care
I'll always love you
For your magic

You mesmorize
You paralyze
But you won't get rid of her

Is she perfect?
What's better about her?
Am I not what you expect me to be?

With your guns pulled out
You shoot me down
By the time I climb back
You've done it again.

10/17/96

Fuckhead

I don't know why I love you
but I do.
My fists clenched in rage
tell me otherwise.
Ready to drop the hate and fear I feel
but then I remember

I remember that idiot summer
the fling we had
the infatuation we felt
Then I remember the truth

I remember the many times you used me
then kicked me to the curb
like a cheap whore.

I remember the mocking smiles
the laughing faces
of the people
who called themselves my friends

I remember the worthlessness
the shame I felt.
Them telling me I don't need you
But I do,
and always will.

10/16/96

Carbon

The paper world
The copies we call individuals
Its all just bullshit
but you don't smell it

You're just like all the others
the ones who've come and gone
with their so called lives
and their shit dressed in lace

You say you want it
but when I try
you just ignore me
I wanna die

Don't you care?
You say you do
Is it all just a dream?
Well then I wanna wake up.

10/16/96

The Crucifix

Why do you feel the need
to criticize me?
Is everything I do wrong?
Perfection is not my goal.

Why do you feel the need
to crucify me?
Nothing I feel
seems to be right.
Living is my only goal.

Yet you make it so difficult
with your limits you set.
What right have you got
to sacrifice me?

Why do you keep killing me?
My feeling is gone,
my innocence stolen,
I will never live again.

8/21/96

Blood stains

I don't know why
you do the things
you do

But it makes me wanna hate you

With every word
my emotions rise
toward the hell
that I'll thrust you to

All you ever do
is cause me pain
and when you do make me happy
it's all a game

So I feel no regrets
as I stab you
right where you put your knife
in the back.

8/21/96
To PJ

Alone

I am alone.
I wonder why I'm still alive,
I hear the cars and people pass,
I want to leave this life,
I am alone.

I pretend I can't hear them,
I feel the brisk coldness,
I touch my blistered, scarred hands,
I worry where I'll be tomorrow,
I cry for the ones I've lost,
I am alone.

I understand nothing,
I say help,
I dream about the life I used to have,
I try to help myself,
I hope I can leave,
I am alone.

6/17/97

A Dreamer

I am a dreamer.
I wonder why the world keeps spinning.
I hear the wind through the trees,
I see the leaves rustling,
I want the sun to come out again,
I am a dreamer.

I pretend I'm a faerie floating on a breeze,
I feel splashes of rain,
I touch the wet dirt underneath my feet,
I worry about what the next day will bring,
I cry when I am alone and scared,
I am a dreamer.

I understand everything must change,
I say I'm not ready yet,
I dream about the day I can leave,
I try to make it possible,
I hope my dream will come true,
I am a dreamer.

6/17/97

Untitled 1

Why don't you want to go my way?
Why do you have to make me pay?
You don't seem to care,
Do you?

Why is it always for you?
Why can't I have it my way?
I'd ask you again,
but you don't care.

6/16/96

The Abyss

Into this abyss
I keep falling
There is no end
It just gets darker
And harder
To find a way
Out.

6/13/97

Perhaps

Maybe I'm crazy
'cause I don't see you
or your problems

Maybe I'm stupid
'cause I don't understand
where you're coming from

Maybe I'm insane
'cause I think
I'm talking to you
but you're not here.

6/12/96

Momentum

I just can't seem to get started
for the things I have seen
bring such a horror
to paralyze

So tired, so weak
bent like a willow
my body cries
out in pain

Still the world passes by
unknown to me
as I sit by
and do nothing.

The power that binds me
to my bed
is the same that
keeps men sane

By and by
it comes and goes
yet still I stay
and sit and stare.

6/5/96

McDeath

It's nasty,
and greasy,
It clogs your arteries.
Its fast and convienient,
very cheap and unclean.

The people there never
wash their hands after they
blow their noses or pee
in the potty.

They got burgers
and chicken
and fish galore,
it's all crunchy and nappy
and there's bones in the bun

But you eat it, and eat it
and you get really fat.
Soon you'll die 'cause you ate at
McDeath.

12/11/94

Invisible

I say it,
but you never listen.
I ask it,
but you never hear.

All the things I say
All the things I do,
you never notice.
Am I invisible?

My friends do it too,
I'm getting used to it.
It still hurts,
I feel invisible.

Everything I do,
Everything I say,
It seems important to me,
but maybe not to you.

If I went away,
would you notice?
Even if I stayed,
I'd still be invisible.

12/11/94

Superstar

I want the fans
I want the money
I want everyone to know my name

See me on the big screen
See me on TV
Pay me lots of money

I can have anything
Anything I want
I'm a superstar

Party with the big shots
win lots of awards
forget about my friends

I'm the big time now
My head's getting bigger and bigger
soon it might burst

Bring me down gently
I'll be alright soon
'Cause I'm a superstar.

12/11/94

Lies

You watched the sun fall down on me
You watched the life run out of me
Why do you always do this to me?
Its not fair.

The wind was knocked out of me,
My innocence stolen from me,
Why do you always do this to me?
Its not fair.

You told me that you loved me,
You told me that you cared.
I believed you once,
but never again.

Why do you always do this to me?
I really wish I knew,
All the lies you told me
And I thought they were true.

I wanted to give it all to you
When you said I love you,
You said it so sweetly
I believed you once.

Now you're gone,
and I don't care.
You treated me bad
Never again...

12/11/94

Dare to Discover

Dare to discover a land so rich
a land so pure and sweet
it's not as far away as you think

I can take you there
just close your eyes,
ley your imagination take you away
to a magical place

The sun shines all the time
no rain or snow or hail
You can make it appear as you wish

You can have trees, grass and blue sky
have butterflies flutter by
let your imagination take flight
it's all up to you

You can have friends all around
with happy faces and gleeful laughs
amusments, food and lots of love
surround you now

Just touch my hand and fly away
close your eyes
make the world go away
I'll take you there

Come with me to a land so rare
a place filled with love
where we can both live
a place of enchantment

You open your eyes
it all goes away
the sun warms your face

Dare to discover a land so rich
a land so pure and sweet
it's not as far away as you think

11/22/94

First One

So I am sitting here, it's 11:44, no not sitting. Sitting requires part of you to be vertical. I am not vertical, mostly horizontal. So I am lying here, it is 11:44. I should be sleeping. But obviously, I am not. I should be sleeping but I am restless. I should be sleeping. I am restless. My mind is restless. It doesn't care that its now 11:46 and I should be sleeping. I am afraid that I will soon be vertical, and that will definitely impede the war that I am having with my mind. I am not really sure why I am restless, or why my mind is in a war with my body. My body is losing. I am not really sure why I am not sleeping. I had every intention to when I went to the bathroom, and got my pajamas. I had every intention to when I put them on and climbed into bed. I had every intention to when I said to myself, I'll just check my messages and then, I'll go to sleep. But it is 11:49, and I am not sleeping. I should be sleeping. I am not really sure how I am even keeping my eyes open at this point, let alone putting together thoughts in a semi-coherent fashion. I should be sleeping. I say it to myself over and over again, but it doesn't seem to be bringing me any closer. How do you shut it off? How do you tell your mind it's time to stop? How do you tell yourself, it's 11:51, and I should be sleeping. I guess that's what the drugs are for. I should get me some of those. And then maybe I would be more horizontal, and my mind would shut down, and I would be sleeping. I wouldn't have to tell myself to do so. I could just swallow that pill, and trust that it will do the work for me. But here I am, semi-horizontal, and not sleeping. What a foul trick this is that my mind is playing on my body. Tomorrow, it won't think itself so clever.